Transformers--The Chuck Commentary
by xXBlack'BladeXx
Summary: Autobots, Decepticons, and their human companions battling in pure, poetic, and badass epicness. And I'm there to comment on it all! Prepare to go mad. With insanity. Or just anger. You might have to see a therapist after this. What do you think? You've heard of the director's commentary, but do you got the ball-bearings to endure...-DUN DUN DUN!-... the Chuck Commentary?
1. Transformers

_Transformers_—The Chuck Commentary

I'm bored, I'm suffering from some writer's block with my TFA fanfic., and, honestly, I'm a bit insane. I saw something like this in the _Real Steel _archive and, I don't know, I guess I just decided to do something for _Transformers_. Like I said, I'm a little insane. More than a little.

So the synopsis is that I'm gonna give you a run down of my thoughts and comments as I watch the _Transformers_ movie. Some might actually be clever. But chances are that 99.9% of everything in here will be stupid, obvious, dumb-ass shit because I have a really weird sense of humor. I'm not asking you to like it—I'm not even asking you to read it. So you can turn away now and find something else. It'd be a whole lot better for your health—physical, mental, emotional, spiritual (okay, mostly mental)—if you did.

Are you guys gone yet? No? Wow, you must really be masochists! Well, if you're stickin' around, get your flames ready, because this is gonna be brutal for all eyes. Including mine. I bet you can already feel your IQ points dropping. Like mine do when I watch two minutes of _Spongebob_. Or _Jersey Shore_.

And just so we're all clear, **I LOVE TRANSFORMERS!**

On ward and upward!

* * *

(Ya know, if my fishing lure made that sound whenever I cast it into the water, I'd definitely go fishing twice as much.)

(Because I don't fish.)

(Like ever.)

* * *

(Dear God, Peter Cullen, I love your Optimus voice!)

(I get chills every time this opens!)

(Was I the only one that, when I first saw this, I thought that the landscape was actually Cybertron before they panned out and showed it to actually be the Cube?)

(Head on collision!)

(Head on collision again!)

(Die, asteroids, die!)

("But we were already too late.")

(Dun-dun...—wait for it—...dun!)

* * *

(I don't know about anybody else, but I'd try 'gator meat.)

(How bad could it be?)

(I'm with the guys; English, please, Fig!)

(I took two and a half years of Spanish in high school, and what do I have to show for it?)

(Bub-kiss.)

(Wanna see what I learned?)

(Watch _Dora the Explorer_.)

(25% of what's on there is the extent of my Spanish.)

(And that's from watching Dora as a kid, not taking the class.)

("I just can't wait to hold my baby girl for the first time.")

(Aw, Lennox, that's so sweet!)

(You're gonna make a great Daddy!)  
(The rest of you guys, leave him alone!)

(Love the kiddie pools and floaties, guys.)

(Very masculine.)

(Lone helicopter, ominous music in the background.)

(Can anyone else say "**DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!**")

(Ya know, I'm not a really big fan of babies... but even I have to admit that that is one cute little girl.)

(And I'm probably just thinking that because I love Lennox.)

(Dude's awesome!)

(Does anybody else think that maybe the reason the baby's crying is because something bad's gonna happen?)

(Maybe she has ESP!)

(Yeah, I don't think you guys are gonna be killing anything...)

(Guys, it's a giant robot!)

(You can't take it out, just run!)

(For the sake of your fuckin' skins, just run!)

(Run, Epps, run!)

(Move your little beret wearing ass!)

(It's raining tanks!)

(**BE AWARE, MEN!**)

(**BE AWARE!**)

(Blackout does not like paparazzi!)

(He also does not like being shot at!)

(Well there goes the whole airfield.)

(Thanks, Blackout.)

(Now taxpayers have to pay for that!)

(This is why people hate Decepticons!)

* * *

(Oh, yay, we go from one hell hole to another.)

(High school.)

(Yeah, okay, dude, they're_** high schoolers**_.)

(They don't give a shit what you say about responsibility.)

(And while we're here, what is with the bow-tie?)

(My teachers never looked like this guy.)

(Am I the only one that thinks that 'Archibald' is a very unfortunate name to have?)

(It's right up there with 'Myrtle'.)

(No offense to anyone out there.)

(Um, hey, Archie, why are you the only one not working to get the boat of this ice?!)

("We'll get to the Arctic Circle, lads!")

(Yeah, no thanks to you!)

(This is like my class was.)

(They're immature and they laugh at everything.)

(And, teach, the 'quiet' sign ain't gonna make 'em shut up.)

("Are you going to sell me his liver?")

(Don't think they're aren't creeps out there who wouldn't pay big bucks for it, dude.)

(One man's moldy, mummified entrails is another man's gold.)

(Or, if you're Hannibal Lecter, main course.)

(He also takes euros, bit coin, the British pound, and _Whose Line is it Anyway?_ points.)

(But I digress.)

(Sam, you're not gonna be an auctioneer.)

(Oh yeah.)

(Real tear-jerker of a story you got there, Sammy boy.)

(I'm bawlin' my eyes out over here.)

(I'd just give you the A to make you shut up.)

(Which the teacher does!)

(I so wanna do that to my kids when they get their first car!)

(How awesome would that be?)

("Here, Billy, you're getting a Porsche.")

("Psyche!")

(My kids are gonna hate me.)

(FYI, I would not name any of my kids 'Billy'.)

(No, Sam, you're wrong.)

(It _**is**_ a funny joke.)

(XDD)

(Does nobody realize that the Camaro that's driving with it's windows _**down**_ has no driver in the seat?!)

("I'm hot! Make-up's melting. Hurts my eyes.")

(XDDD)

(Get's me every fucking time!)

(I love this guy!)

(I've never seen_ 40 Year Old Virgin_.)

(Bobby... that may not be the best way to introduce yourself to people.)

(It might actually scare them off.)

(Hence why your business sucks.)

("Son, I'm a lot of things, but a liar's not one of them.")

(You're a used car salesman.)

(Lying is part of your job description isn't it?)

(But I have to say that I like Uncle Bobby B.)

(If only for his laugh.)

(Sam, if I didn't know that 'Bee was there, I'd say you'd be better off buying the ostrich and riding it around instead.)

(At least you can actually race those and make money.)

("Don't go Ricky Ricardo on me, Manny!")

(Isn't that just the teeniest bit racist?)

(Oh, no...)

(I've become one of those wussy people!)

(O_O')

("Feels good.")

(This line alone is why we have to deal with the plague of Transformers slash fics today.)

(Damn you, Michael Bay.)

(Damn you.)

(Custom faded?)  
(I don't know a whole lot about cars, but even I know that's a load of bullshit.)

(That bug is not a beaut.)

(It's a _**butt**_ is what it is.)

(An ugly-ass one that needs to get kicked!)

(Sorry, G1 Bumblebee, but it's true.)

(And 'Bee does kick the butt!)

(With Uncle Bobby B inside!)

(Go Bumblebee!)

(And again with the laugh!)

(I love this guy's laugh!)

(XDD)

(Exploding glass!)

(Hit the deck!)

(Lesson learned:)

(Don't piss off Bumblebee.)

(His temper tantrums are not pretty.)

* * *

("I am so under-dressed.")

(Yeah, you are.)

(But who cares?)

(Suits and ties are over-rated anyway.)

(Then again I'm a girl, so you might not wanna take my advice on the matter.)

* * *

(Is anybody else wondering how Mojo broke his leg?)

(Sam has fish!)

(Why don't we ever get to meet his fish?)

(We get to meet his crackhead dog.)

(Why not his fish?)

(Fish have feelings too, ya know!)

(I would make a comment here about how he talks in the mirror.)

(But I'd be a hypocrite, so...)

("I do not like footprints on my grass.")

(And as he says this he throws his little pruning sheers down into it.)  
(Causing more damage than Sam's feet.)

(Wow, Ron.)

(Wow.)

(Classy, 'Bee.)

* * *

(Guys, watch the shifting sand!)

(The shifting sand!)

(Wait, so this kid lives on a mountain?)

(So, why was he miles away at Soccent Air Base?)  
(I'm confused!)

* * *

(Sam, just because it's public property, it does not mean that you're invited.)

("Just don't do anything weird, all right?")

(And Miles runs right up to a tree and starts climbing around like a monkey.)

(So much for not doing anything weird.)

(Crap!)

(That's gotta hurt!)

("What's it about? Sucking at sports?")

(Lamest.)

(Comeback.)

(Ever.)

(But then again, he is a jock, and they're usually pretty pathetic in movies so...)

(Now _**that**_, Sam, my friend, is a great comeback.)

(I applaud you.)

(Probably the main reason why I liked you in this movie.)

(If you'd have had epic lines in the others, I might've liked you in those too.)

(How does Miles not have a head-rush?)

(But I have to say, props for the dismount.)

(With flip-flops.)

(I couldn't do that wearing tennis shoes.)

(No, Trent, she won't be calling you.)

(Because you're a DOUCHE-BAG.)

(Capitals all the way through.)

(Miles, the car has a frickin' door!)

(Use it!)

(Damn it, I love 'Bee!)

(He's the soundtrack man!)

("Hey, man, what's wrong with your radio?")

(I dunno, Miles, what's wrong with you?)

(Oh yeah, that's right, you're a guy wearing flip-flops.)

(And that's doesn't even make the top twenty list of things that are wrong with you.)

("I was wondering if I could ride you home.")

(Can anyone say "Freudian Slip"?)

(It's okay, Mikaela, a lot of girls have that weakness.)

(I'm a tomboy and even I suffer from it.)

(Oh yeah, Sam.)

(Flexing your arm as you show off the light and disco ball.)

(Yeah, that's not transparent at all.)

(They've been in school together since first grade.)

(They have like four classes together.)

(And she still doesn't know who he is?)

(Ouch.)

(Really, 'Bee?)

(Really?)

(Sam, shut up!)

(I wonder how many guys' pants get tight when they watch this scene.)

(On second thought, I'd rather not know.)

("My dad was a real grease monkey.")

(I don't care for that term.)

(I mean, I don't know a lot of monkeys that could fix an engine.)

(_Seinfeld _reference, people.)

(Come on!)

("I'm cool with females working on my engine. I prefer it actually.)

(Big fat innuendo.)

(Oh my gosh, Sam.)

(You _**did not**_ just ask her why she has a douche-bag for a boyfriend.)

(What a jerk!)

("I think there's a lot more than meets the eye with you.")

(Hmm, I wonder where they got that from?)

(Am I the only one that doesn't think that of all the things he could've said, that really wasn't a stupid line?)

(I mean, yeah it was cliché as hell, but I liked it.)

* * *

(Air Force One is nice.)

(But Ed Force One is epic!)

(Look it up, people.)

(I'm not explaining everything to you.)

(Because a random boom box in the elevator on Air Force One doesn't set any alarm bells off?)

(They call those little cakes 'Ding Dongs'.)

(I lovingly refer to them as 'Hockey-pucks'.)

(I like my nickname better.)

(Does anybody else think Frenzy is having a continuous seizure?)

(Or maybe even has turrets?)

(That's why I call him 'Twitch'.)

(Or maybe he's having an orgasm.)

(Who knows?)

(Somebody has anger issues.)

(Frenzy's right out in the middle of the tarmac!)

(How the hell does nobody see him?!)

(Flattering picture, Sam.)

* * *

(Sam, why the hell would you think that anybody would wanna steal your old junker?)

(I mean, I would.)

(But that's just because I know that it's a giant alien robot.)

(And I want it!)

(If my car did that, I'd be in heaven.)

(But with hope my car will do that.)

(Once I actually get a car.)

(Hey, I can dream, can't I?)

(So much for chaining the dogs to a brick wall!)

(Yeah, get on top of the crates because it's not like the dogs can't jump up there, Sam!)

(Dude, your car is an alien.)

(He doesn't need the keys to drive himself.)

(Why give him the keys?)

(Sam, I don't think they meant for you to put your head on the hood that hard.)

* * *

(I like this girl.)

(She has spunk, guts, and brains.)

(Don't you guys get it?!)

(This thing you're fighting is not from Earth!)

(Listen to her!)

* * *

("Look I can't be any clearer on how crystal clear I am being.")

(Wow.)

(That's really clear.)

(This cop freaks me out.)

(And to answer Sam's question, all signs point to 'yes'.)

* * *

(Lennox, watch your back!)

(Ooh, skewered!)

(That's a bitch!)

(Are you kidding me?)

(Lennox is out in the middle of the damn desert and he has service.)

(I live where there's two cell phone towers only ten miles or so away on either side of me and I can't get service worth shit!)

(How fucked up is that?!)

(Hey, nose picker, shut the hell up and do as the soldier says!)

("Left cheek! Left cheek! Left cheek!")

(Gets me every time!)

(XDDDD)

(Because you can't hear the fire-fight in the background?)

(Are you seriously that much of an idiot?!)

("Man if you'd seen this shit...")

(You'd probably shit your pants.)

(I would.)

(I hate Scorponok!)

(**I HATE SCORPONOK!**)

(So even after all that, Scorponok is still alive and plowing through the dunes of Qatar?)

(If is wasn't already official it is now.)

(I'm never going to the Middle East!)

* * *

(That's not a good idea, Maggie.)

(You work for the NSA, you know they'll find out!)

("This is my private area; my place of Zen and peace.")

("Glen! Who is it?!")

("Shut up, Grandma!")

(Yeah.)

(This place just radiates with Zen and peace.)

(The sad thing is, this guy is a better dancer than me.)

(Not even lying, people.)

(Not even lying.)

(Glen has a sign on his door that says 'Caution: Hazardous waster storage'?)

(Considering it's a guy's room that does seem appropriate.)

(If you catch my drift...)

(Glen has a girlier scream than I do!)

(And I'm a girl!)

(Crash through the glass door!)  
(Classic!)

("Get off my grandmama's carpet! She don't like nobody on her carpet! Especially police!")

(Yet again, gets me every fuckin' time!)

(XDDDDDD)

* * *

(And that's why there's the expression "don't cry over spilled milk".)

(Sam... you had a bike before you got the car right?)

(If so, I don't think you shoulda sold it.)

('Bee, you cannot drive on the sidewalk!)

(That... has got to hurt!)

("I'm losing my mind a little bit.")

(This is the first time?)

(The car reads 'to punish and enslave'.)

(I don't think it's the cops, Sam.)

(Ooh!)

(That's gotta hurt even worse!)

(What I wanna know is what full grown woman has a pink bike with streamers and a basket on it?)

(But then again this is Judy Witwicky we're talking about here.)

(I don't know what I'd do in Sam's position.)

(I'd either scream and run like he does.)

(Or I'd pass out from the epicness.)

(Even if it was a Decepticon.)

(Yes, Sam, it's a bad dream.)

(And this bad dream is gonna kick your ass in real life!)

("What is your problem, Sam?")

(Oh, well, we could get into that, but with Barricade right behind you, I really don't think that we have the time!)

("Sam, what is that thing?")

(The most perfect specimen of sheer epicness if there ever was one!)

(Crap, I love this movie's music!)

(Sam, you just said that you _**weren't**_ gonna die!)

(The hell, man?!)

(Go die, Frenzy!)

(Nobody likes you!)

(Nobody!)

(Sam, just got pants'd by a robot.)

(That's extremely weird.)

(And yet kinda cool at the same time.)

(Why doesn't Frenzy just die?!)

("What is it?")

(I just told you, Mikaela, the most epic thing ever!)

(Oh, yeah.)

('Bee's totally Japanese.)

("You are the strangest boy I have ever met.")

(Yes, well, that really goes without say.)

(Well, technically to Bumblebee, _**you**_ guys are the aliens.)

(That _**was**_ a smooth move, Sam.)

(Very smooth.)

(Kudos.)

(Mikaela!)  
(If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.)

(Especially when it's about a giant alien robot!)

('Bee still looks awesome.)

(But I have to say, I did like the more classic look.)

(He just needed to fuse this new paint job with the older look as well as take the modern radio and stuff with it.)

(Then that would be a wicked sweet Camaro.)

* * *

('Bee, the sign said 'no trespassing'.)

(Hell yeah, it's cooler than _Armageddon_!)

(You just don't know the reason why!)

(Is there even such a thing as 'asteroid insurance'.)

(I'd be interested in finding out.)

(Ratchet.)

(Jazz.)

(No, kid, he's not the tooth fairy.)

(He's _**way**_ cooler!)

(Ironhide.)

(And my main Autobot:)

(Optimus Prime.)

(Pure.)

(Poetic.)

(Epicness.)

(I will never, ever, ever, in a million years, get tired of watching Optimus transform.)

(And I will never tire of that voice.)

(*sighs dreamily*)

("We've learned Earth's languages through the World Wide Web.")

(Where the hell were you guys when I was taking Spanish?!)

(I coulda used you!)

("You feelin' lucky, punk?")

(He won't in a minute.)

("The boy's pheromone levels suggest he wants to mate with the female.")  
(And that would be why Sam no longer feels lucky.)

* * *

(It's alive!)

(It's aliiiive!)

* * *

(Glen, you are such a fountain of over-flowing knowledge.)

(Teach me how to be like you.)

(*snorts*)

(Eating the whole plate of donuts, does not mean you're not guilty.)

(It just means you're a donut hog!)

(So much for playing it calm and cool.)

("Hey, man, I'm still a virgin.")

(Yeah, well so am I.)

(Whats that got to do with anything?)

* * *

(Does nobody it that neighbor think it's weird that a badass Peterbilt, a smokin' Camaro, and sweet Corvette, an awesome Topkick, and a Hummer are driving through the streets, single-file, late at night?)

(Sorry, Ratchet, I couldn't come up with an adjective for you.)

(No, Prime, stay down!)

(Stay down!)

("Sorry. My bad.")

(I love it when he sounds so human!)

(*squeals*)

(I'm a fangirl, all right?)

(Sue me!)

(Sam, they're adult alien robots.)

(You're an adolescent human.)

(By definition they don't have to listen to you.)

(So do you really think that they will.)

(If it was Justin Bieber he was holding, I'd give you the go ahead, 'Hide.)

(But I like dogs.)

(So no, you can't terminate.)

(Am I the only one that thinks a giant robot saying "Bad Mojo" is utterly hilarious?)

(XDD)

(So the fate of Earth is in the hands of this kid?)

(We're fucked.)

("My moped's under there man? Who's gonna pay for that?")

(Well, if you're on the welfare system, technically taxpayers are.)

("Oops.")  
(Damn, Optimus, I cannot get enough of you!)

(XDDDDDDD)

(Samuel James Witwicky.)

(Also known as:)

(The Cybertronian Migrane.)

(Sam, you stammering idiot, shut the fuck up and look!)

(Ratchet, power lines!)

("How did you get over there so fast?")

(Fat joke, anyone?)

(Ratchet... I'm worried about you...)

(Does anybody else think that scene looks just the littlest bit like some sort of horror movie?)

('Cuz I do.)

(But then, I'm sorta warped in the head so...)

("You know the rules. No doors locked in my house!")

(Then why is there a lock on his door?)

(Wouldn't it just be easier to enforce the rule if there wasn't a lock on his door to begin with?)

(I can't blame Sam.)

(If my parents were at my door with a baseball bat I wouldn't open the door either.)

(O_O)

(**OH MY PRIMUS, MY EARS!**)

(I think I'm gonna be sick...)

(Poor, Mikaela!)

(I can only wonder what the 'Bots must be thinking.)

("I don't masturbate!")

(Uh-huh, right, sure you don't, Sam.)

("You don't have to call it that word if it makes you uncomfortable. You can call it 'Sam's Happy Time'.")

(I don't know about anybody else, but that makes me feel even more uncomfortable than the other word.)

(*shudders*)

("I'm sorry. It's just been a weird night. I've had a little bit to drink.")

(And somehow that makes it okay for you to talk about something like that?!)  
(I don't think so, Judy!)

(How does Ron not hear Optimus when he goes "Whoa!"?)

(How is jumping the the bathtub going to protect you during an earthquake?)

(I mean, I'm from Nebraska, so I'm not an earthquake expert, but isn't the point of protecting yourself from an earthquake is to get in a doorway or underneath a table or something?)  
(That why you don't get crushed if the ceiling comes down or something like that?)

(How does Ron not see Optimus?)

(He's, like, right there!)

(You're not very good at hiding, boss 'Bot.)  
(Just sayin'.)

(I'm with Ironhide.)

(Sorry, Prime.)

(Mikaela steps in to save the day.)

(Imagine that.)

(**IT'S MEN IN BLACK!**)

("You're mom's so nice.")

(Yeah.)

(And wacko.)

(Simmons, you freak!)

(Stop peeping through people's mail slots!)

(That's how you acquire a restraining order.)

("We're the government. Sector Seven.")

("Never heard of it.")

("Never will.")

(Um, I hate to break it to you, Simmons, but...)

(**HE JUST DID!**)

(How hard is it to say 'Witwicky'?)

(I mean, seriously?)

("May I enter the premises, sir?")

(If it were my house I'd be like:)  
("No you may not. My property. I don't know who the fucking hell you are. And if you wanna make it outta here alive and in one piece, I suggest you and your little MIB roleplayers pack your shit up and go home before I bring out my dad's M16.")

(Okay, I probably wouldn't say that.)

(But I'd be thinking it...)

(Go Judy!)

(Beat the ever-livin' out of 'em!)

("Is your name Sam?")

("Yeah.")

(Sam, ya shouldn't have said that.)

(You shoulda said: "No, my name's Filbert.")

(That would've thrown 'em off the trail!)

("... your little Taco Bell dog...")

(That's a tiny bit racist...)

(And surprisingly accurate.)

(Wait... _**ARWIN**_**?!**)

(Arwin Hochauser?)

(From _Suite Life_?)

(Mind blown!)

(Not really—this is like the hundredth time I've seen the movie.)

(But the first I ever watched this I was.)

(Why do they need such a long pole to walk Mojo on?)

(He's a Chihuahua!)  
(Not a pitbull!)

("This is a do-whatever-I-want-and-get-away-with-it badge.")

(And that's what lots of stuck up rich kids call their last names and birth certificates.)

("Criminals are hot.")

(Pervert alert!)

(Stranger danger!)

(**STRANGER DANGER!**)

(Boom!)

(Slammed into by giant robot foot!)

(Most awesome car crash ever!)

("It's big! It's big!")

(No shit, Sherlock.)

(Who needs the Jaws of Life when you got Optimus Prime?)

(If I'm ever in a car crash and have to be cut out of the car, that's how I wanna be saved.)

(Giant alien robot in blue and red flames ripping the roof off my car.)

(Hell yeah, man!)

(How does Sam know that he and Optimus are friends?)

(Did he ask him if they were friends?)

(I don't think so.)

(Sam, stop making assumptions.)

(They only make asses out of you and me.)

("Get out of the car.")

(Ooh, he sounds pissed.)

(I'd definitely do as he says.)

(…)

(What came popping out of 'Bee's groin before he peed all over Simmons?)

(Second thought, don't tell me.)

(Simmons, what do you wanna keep your clothes on for anyway?)

(They have Autobot piss all over them.)

(I don't know about anybody else, but I think the S7 shirts are kinda cool.)

(I'd take one.)

(Nice underwear, Simmons.)

(Optimus, why don't you transform and take the kids with you that way?)

(Guys, how the hell do you lose something _**that**_ big and epic?)

(Nice save, Bumblebee!)

(**YOU JERKS!**)

(**LEAVE BUMBLEBEE ALONE!**)

* * *

(In all honesty, I could think of worst aliens that could invade us.)

(At least these can turn into sweet machines.)

(Maggie, how the heck can you wear those heels?!)

* * *

("I bought a car. Turned out to be an alien robot. Who knew?")

(I did!)

(Poor, 'Bee!)

("Why are we fighting to save the humans? They're a primitive and violent race.")

(Wow, okay.)

(I'll try to not be offended, Ironhide.)

(Optimus, you are so amazingly noble.)

(Damn, I love you!)

(I am putty in your hands.)

(Ya know, I mentioned this in a history blog once.)

(I was talking about the Hoover Dam and at the end I put:)

("Also, it was created to house Megatron and the AllSpark.")

(I got a 100% on it.)

(Boom, baby!)

(Hey, for the record, Wolverine rocks!)

(Oh, he's more than a little strange, Defense Secretary Keller.)

(Enter the Giant Dorito of Doom!)

(Frenzy seriously needs to get on decaf.)

(Like I said.)

(Lennox is awesome!)

(And so is the rest of his team!)

(Shit, we're dead.)

(We are so dead!)

(Why does Starscream have a bird face?)

("You fail me yet again, Starscream.")

(And this is surprising how exactly?)

(You need mikes, Simmons!)

(How the hell else did you think you were gonna communicate?!)

(Leave it to the girl to save the day.)

(Again!)

* * *

(Whip it around, bug guy!)

(OMP, guys, get your minds out of the gutter!)

("What the hell was that?")  
(That was the sound of you getting majorly screwed.)

(These poor saps on the freeway.)

(Today is just not their day.)

(Yes, kid, it is cool!)  
(Wicked cool!)

(Don't fuck with Optimus, Bonecrusher.)

* * *

(Damn it, Frenzy!)

(I hate you!)

(Just die already!)

(**DIE!**)

(Which he does!)

(So... would that be considered unintentional suicide?)

* * *

(How are they gonna mind wipe all these people?)

(Hey, Furbies!)

(Ooh, beautiful, dramatic shot.)

(Bumblebee, no!)

(He just can't catch a break can he?)

(I would still love to get a tank to drive around in.)

(That would be so awesome.)

(Robots fighting.)

(Absolute epicness.)

(Jazz!)

(No!)

(All right, Sam.)

(Time to man up!)

(Don't fuck with Mikaela, Lennox.)

(Run like a man, Sam!)

(Run!)

(Yes!)

(Optimus is on the scene!)

(Ouch...)

(Damn is, Starscream!)

("Give me that cube, boy.")

(No fucking chance in hell!)

(Yeah, bitch, that jerk just dented your car.)

(And because you're a bitch I hope that thing rips your brain out.)

(But all things considering you should be fine.)

(If you know what I'm sayin'.)

(Mountain Dew just turned evil!)

(**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**)

("You're not gonna get me! You're not gonna get me!")

(Sam, just because you make it your mantra does not mean that it won't come true.)

(Sorry.)

(Mikaela, now is not a time to cry!)

(Hot damn!)

(This is why I love this chick!)

(She's fuckin' awesome!)

(It was a sad day when she and Sam were no longer a thing.)

(Optimus, but you could learn a thing or two from Batman about running across roof tops.)

(You're still totally hot and epic though!)

(Personally, I would rather die than live to be Megatron's pet.)

(That would be hell on Earth.)

(Nice save, boss 'bot!)

(Traffic jam!)

("Disgusting.")

(That's the same thing I do when bugs are on my body.)

(Megatron, could you possibly get more arrogant?)

(One of the most epic movie battles ever!)

(Lennox, you are awesome!)

(I fucking hate the Giant Dorito of Doom!)

(Took you long enough to figure it out, Sammy boy.)

(Oh, Optimus.)

(You sound so sad.)

(It makes me wanna cry.)

( :'( )

(Aww, Jazz.)

( :'( )

(So how can Bumblebee talk at the end of this movie, but can't in the other ones?)

(Once again, I'm confused!)

* * *

(And this is why I say the Megalodon mystery is actually Megatron.)

(He's malicious.)

(He's got really sharp teeth.)

(He's big.)

(We all know he comes back to life.)

(And he's in the sea.)

(How can it not be?)

(Yay, Lennox gets to hold his baby girl for the first time!)  
(And Ironhide gets to go home with him!)

(I can't say it enough.)

(I love Prime's voice!)

(And Linkin Park rocks!)

("I think that if there was some sort of an alien infestation the government would let us know.")

(Yeah.)

(Right.)

("That how we know that we live in a free land because there's no secrets.")  
(Ha!)

(Right!)

("Your head is kind of a different size than it is on television.")

(Judy.)

(Have you been drinking again?)

(And while we're on it, Steve Jablonsky is epic too.)

(I have all the Transformers movie soundtracks and I love them!)

* * *

All right, so that's it, you guys. Thanks for putting up with me through out this. Sorry I freaked you all out and annoyed you, but if you read through this whole thing when I warned you and told you that you didn't have to it's basically your own fault. XDDD You can comment if you want to. Or not. It makes no difference to me either way.

Now that I've written this thing I actually do feel a creative flow for TFA, so maybe I can actually get that done now. Yay! And by the way, I get to sing the National Anthem tomorrow for our community parade, so wish me luck. :)

Okay, bye!

Autobots, transform and roll on out of here! *jumps in Optimus and squeals away*


	2. Transformers Revenge of the Fallen

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen—

THE CHUCK COMMENTARY!

All right! The Chuck commentary is back—whoo-hoo! Actually, I'm not entirely sure that's a good thing….

Anyway, I decided to take a little break from writing all of that drama for Kindred Sparks and decided to do something humorous and witty (FYI, it will most likely be neither!) to clear my head and just have some fun. Not that writing my stories aren't fun—because they totally are! But sometimes you just need a break, ya know?

I've been asked by a couple people if I would continue on with this, and I'm not saying that I will do it for every movie I watch and I'm not taking requests to "Chuck commentate" movies. I mean, you can request a movie if you want to, but I won't watch it or make a commentary on it unless I feel like it and decide to do it on my own. Because I'm just a glitch like that. Eyup, I admit it: I'm a major glitch.

So once again, prepare to go insane and/or get enraged—I honestly don't care which. Now *heavily accented voice* VE GO!

* * *

(And once again we have the really cool robotic noise when the lure gets cast into the water.)

(I WANT THIS GUY'S FISHING ROD!)

* * *

(I'm not the only one who thinks these robot noises are awesome, right?)

(These first opening shots almost make me think we're in Mordor.)

(If it weren't for the bright blue sky, the score, and the beginning credits, I could almost say I was watching Lord of the Rings.)

(It wouldn't matter to me either way.)

(Both LotR and TF are awesome!)

* * *

(You know you're doing a movie right when you have Optimus Prime's voice be the first one you hear.)

* * *

(Okay, if humans are a lot like Cybertronians, I wanna know which Cybertronian I would be like.)

(… Actually no I don't.)

(Forget I said anything!)

* * *

"Our worlds have met before."

(*cue huge gasp*)

(Dun, dun, dun!)

* * *

(What most of you probably don't know, is that this big, spiney, spikey metal structure was actually Superman's first Fortress of Solitude.)

(But the Home Owner's Association deemed it as a public eye-sore as well as an endangerment to the community.)

(So he had to take it all down and start all over up in the Artic.)

* * *

(Is it just me, or did ancient Cybertronians look kinda… creepy?)

* * *

(Now I think I know what it's like for a bug when I step on and squish them….)

(Yuck.)

* * *

"Any bad robot out there better get ready for an ass-whuppin'."

(Yeah, Skids and Mudflap.)

(Because you guys are sooo tough and intimidating.)

(You're in the form of a white and pink ice cream truck.)

(I am tremblin' in my boots.)

* * *

(And I can pretty much guarantee that no 'con wants to suck your popsicle, guys.)

(In fact I think it's safe to say that no one does.)

* * *

(Okay, from what I understand, the three female Autobots are supposed to be Arcee, Elita 1, and Chromia [someone please tell me if I'm wrong].)

(If this is so, how come Arcee seems to be the leader of the three?)

(That's always been Elita's job!)

(And if Elita is there, how come we don't see her and Optimus hanging around each other?)

(I mean, they're supposed to be spark-mates right?)

(And while we're on that, shouldn't Chromia and Ironhide be hanging out too for the same reason?)

(Michael Bay, you have got a lot to answer for!)

(I don't care if you make cool explosions!)

(There's absolutely no call for this inattention to detail!)

* * *

(If I ever go to Washington D.C. and get to go on a tour of the Pentagon, I'm just gonna ask 'em all these different questions about NEST.)

(Where are the headquarters?)

(Can we go and see it?)

(How can I become a part of NEST?)

(I want to see the NEST team!)

* * *

(Am I the only one who thinks the way that dust or steam or whatever it is swirls because of the wind from the chopper blades is totally wicked?)

(Because if I am…)

(*sighs*… It's just me and my feels.)

* * *

(Okay, I won't lie to you guys.)

(The first time I saw this movie I thought that first semi with all the NEST motorcycles and Hummers coming out of the back of the trailer was actually Optimus.)

(It was hard to tell because the lighting was so dark and I couldn't see the paintjob.)

(That and plus with almost any semi I see any more in the back of my head I'm wondering:)

("Could it be…?)

(That just goes to show you how obsessed I am with TF, and Optimus in particular.)

* * *

(I'm not only one still wondering why Ironhide has like some sort of… British accent, right?)

(I mean, I haven't seen a lot of G1, but he had like a Texan accent there, so why'd they change it?)

(… That is a British type accent he has now right?)

* * *

(Somebody explain to me why we're sending all of the humans in to take on this huge 'con.)

(Especially when said 'con is behind giant concrete pipes.)

(That's just a tragedy waiting to happen!)

* * *

(This guy.)

(Just sitting there eating his supper and these giant alien robots come barging into his house, breaking several walls as they go through.)

(And he just sits there through all of it and barely says a word.)

(I would be freaking out!)

* * *

(*facepalm*)

(Oy vey….)

(Skids, Mudflaps, come on!)

* * *

(How come we always have Sideswipe in these things but never Sunstreaker?)

(Even in TF: RiD it's only Sides and Sunny is nowhere to be found!)

(I mean, they are twins!)

(Hello!)

* * *

(Fragging. Awesome. Move, Sideswipe.)

(Major points!)

* * *

"Damn, I'm good."

(Yes, yes you are, Sides.)

(Cocky, but very good.)

* * *

(So what are they going to explain to all of the people on the road that this 'con just goes rolling past?)

(Sure doesn't look like a "toxic spill" excuse will work to me.)

* * *

(XD)

(Optimus looks just a little bit freaked out about sky-diving, does he not?)

* * *

(Primus!)

(The way he transforms both in and out of alternate mode is just poetry to the eyes!)

(I mean it never gets old!)

(Prime, this is one of the reasons why you are my favorite 'bot.)

* * *

(If I've said it once, I'll say it again.)

(This 'con [does anyone know his name?] is just friggin' huge!)

(He's at least twice as big as Optimus for Primus' sake!)

* * *

"Pull over!"

(You ran a red light!)

(Do as the boss says and pull the frag over, jackaft!)

(Don't make him break out the lights and sirens, fool.)

* * *

(That's gonna be a lot of damage to clean up….)

* * *

(I'm not the only one who thinks it sounds like this 'con is talking underwater, right?)

* * *

"This is not your planet to rule! The Fallen shall rise again."

"That doesn't sound good."

(I concur, Epps.)

* * *

(That is the coolest cocking of a gun I have ever seen.)

(Yeah, I am very easily impressed when it comes to giant, sentient robots.)

* * *

(When exactly did the Witwickies get the bulldog?)

* * *

"No, I got other ideas for your room and it rhymes with "home theater"."

(Oh.)

(I thought you were gonna turn it into a billiard room, Ron.)

(Seinfeld reference people.)

(Look it up.)

* * *

(Aww, Sam!)

(You had such tiny little feet as a baby!)

(Look at how cute!)

* * *

(As far as I know, none of the parents of the kids in my class acted like this when they're kids finally left for college.)

(I know my parents didn't.)

(Of course, I haven't really left home yet, I just drive to classes because my family lives close enough to the college I go to.)

(And Mom and Dad weren't kicking me out yet.)

(They can't.)

(I'm 110% convinced this farm wouldn't function if I wasn't here.)

* * *

(Whether his parents were in costumes or not, I get the feeling Sam would still be able to tell it was them.)

(Ron and Judy seem kinda hard to miss.)

* * *

(I'm with Sam.)

(I really didn't need to see any of that exchange.)

* * *

(I don't know what it is about Judy but almost anything she says just gets me laughing.)

(Instantaneously!)

* * *

(Oh, Ron!)

(You're choking up!)

(I know you're choking up—I can see it.)

(No point in hiding it, mister!)

* * *

(Dog hump jokes.)

(I grew up with my dirty-minded class and even I don't find that funny.)

* * *

"You'll see a lot of that in college, too."

(Which makes me so happy I do not live in a dorm.)

* * *

"Yeah, well, I'm a one woman kinda guy."

(Aw, Sam, that's so cute and sweet.)

( :) )

(But we all know what happens after this movie.)

(So *clears throat* liar, liar, pants on fire!)

(XP)

* * *

"You're no different than any other couple your age."

"Except we discovered an alien race together."

(And helped to save the world from total annihilation.)

(Yeah, they might be just a little bit different than every other couple their age, Ron.)

* * *

"How long you gonna be riding that scooter?"

(If I were Sam, I would ride it for the rest of my life.)

(When something that cool happens to you, you never let it go.)

* * *

"Two weeks it could be Muffy."

(People out there in the world everywhere, I beg this of you.)

(Never name your poor child 'Muffy'.)

(Just please don't!)

* * *

(OMP. Mikaela!)

(After almost two years of dating and after all you two have been through together, there is absolutely no call for you to be breaking up with Sam over the phone!)

(I've never been in a relationship and even I know just how low and despicable that is!)

* * *

(Only Sam would think to make a long-distance relationship kit.)

(But I guess he is sort of like a techie, so what do you really expect?)

* * *

"You kept your nasty shredded clothes?"

(If I wore clothes through something as epic as that, I wouldn't just keep them.)

(I would want to be buried in them.)

* * *

"Why can't I hate you?"

(I don't know.)

(Because I'm pretty sure a lot of other people hate him or are pretty damn close.)

(It's due to the fact that he just constantly chatters.)

(A raccoon doesn't chatter as much!)

* * *

(How does the shard burn through the floor of Sam's room, burn through the ceiling of the kitchen, but doesn't burn through the table when it lands on it?)

(Did it just suddenly decided to cool off or something?)

* * *

"Dad, we got a fire!"

(Sammy boy, you've got a lot more problems than just that.)

* * *

(I've decided it.)

(What happens in the kitchen on here is like The Brave Little Toaster on evil steroids.)

(Why is any tech turned sentient by the AllSpark instantly evil?)

(Oh, yeah that's right.)

(Pretty much every piece of technology was created by reverse engineering Megatron.)

(Great….)

* * *

(RON'S GRASS!)

(NOOOOO!)

* * *

(Sam, _**you're**_ the one who called Bumblebee out of the garage to save you, so don't get all pissy and bitchy with him!)

(Ya Primus-damn, little, creator-fraggin' prick!)

* * *

"Hi, Mikaela. I have a baldspot."

(There… is no… facepalm… big enough.)

* * *

(Judy, Bumblebee is not the psychotic one.)

(You are the psychotic one!)

(So shut up!)

* * *

"And I'm gonna skinny-dip and you can't say shit about it!"

(*eye twitches*)

(Nobody wants to see that….)

* * *

"Yeah, you know you're in trouble."

(Why is 'Bee in trouble?)

(He did what Sam wanted him to do!)

* * *

(Every time I hear this song I think of this scene and I do that exact dance.)

(No lie.)

* * *

(Ooooooooohhhhhhhh!)

(That face!)

(I can't take 'Bee's sad face it's just so… heartwrenching!)

(*starts sobbing*)

* * *

"I just wanna be normal, 'Bee, that's why I'm going to college."

(Pfft, who wants to be normal?)

(It's soooo overrated!)

* * *

(Aw, 'Bee don't do that!)

(Please don't do that.)

(You're killing me here, buddy!)

(*sobs some more*)

* * *

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me."

(Yup, because she was the one who saved you from all of those 'cons.)

(Not 'Bee.)

* * *

(I would still take "I adore you".)

("Adore" or "love", I'm happy either way.)

(Make note of that, gentlemen.)

* * *

(It doesn't matter in what continuation it is, Soundwave always creeps me out!)

(Always!)

* * *

"Time to get my sexy on with the green."

(I didn't know either one of these guys could do sexy.)

* * *

(Not Galloway.)

(Not Galloway!)

(NOT GALLOWAY!)

* * *

"You guys made a mess of Shanghai."

(Well, I'd like to see you do it any better.)

(Self-centered, egotistical, loud-mouthed little ass!)

* * *

"You gotta wonder; if God mad us in his image, who made him?"

(I am thoroughly convinced that Primus is actually a sub-god of God himself that God specifically created and tasked to make Cybertron and its inhabitants.)

(And the Holy Trinity is actually a Holy Quad:)

(Father, Son, Holy Ghost, and Primus.)

(-_-'I am so sacrilegious anymore….)

(God, please forgive me.)

* * *

(It's official!)

(Optimus' voice can never grow tiresome.)

(Peter Cullen you are the god of voice acting!)

* * *

(Galloway,)

(Do all of us and yourself a huge favor and shut. The frag. Up!)

(I'm bleeding at the ears here!)

* * *

(Epps, by all means, please shoot Galloway.)

(Right through his damn yapper!)

* * *

(Screw the damn President!)

(Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, I don't give a crap!)

(I will take Optimus and his team over the President any day of the week!)

(If that's an unpatriotic fault of mine, so be it.)

* * *

(Can somebody please tell everyone to stop talking?!)

(Soundwave if getting a crap-ton of valuable intel here!)

* * *

(Prime sure looks pissed.)

(Galloway, I would run if I were you.)

* * *

"What if we leave… and you're wrong?"

"That's a good question."

(That is a really good question.)

(Answer that one, Galloway!)

(We're all waiting.)

* * *

"Oh my gosh, look at this place! I feel smarter already."

(Which is ironic because it seems a lot of college students really don't know that much.)

(Yes, I'm saying that about myself too.)

(How else can you explain why I'm writing this thing?)

* * *

(I would not go to a school that cost $40,000 a year.)

(Part of that reasoning is because I would never get accepted into a school that costs that much.)

(Public school, people.)

(Public school.)

* * *

(Something tells me—with Leo as a roommate—there would be a lot of awkward moments.)

(Not just the one where you first met each other.)

* * *

(Sam, I think I can safely say that Leo is not a "normal guy".)

(And he's not crazy in the good way either.)

* * *

"TheRealEffingDeal .com"

(I might actually type this in to see just what might actually turn up.)

* * *

"The internet is pure truth!"

(*snorts*)

(Yeah, sure it is.)

* * *

(When compared to these guys, Sam actually seems tolerable.)

(Coming from me, that should tell you a lot, peeps.)

* * *

"You have a great son, you really do."

(Can anyone say "two-faced"?)

* * *

(… She doesn't know what a marijuana plant looks like?)

(It's right on the damn label of the bag!)

* * *

(If I had Judy as a mother, I would go bonkers.)

(Just… *spazzes*)

* * *

(BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

(I totally didn't know she tackled a guy playing Frisbee!)

(Why the hell did they cut that out on the TV—that's gold, baby!)

(Priceless!)

(Frickin' priceless!)

* * *

(I have to admit, Ravage looks pretty awesome.)

(If in a totally creepy kinda way.)

* * *

(I'm not the only one that thinks this robot looks like some sort of… weird robotic, cyclops type chicken, right?)

* * *

(Okay, I don't really support cliques or anything like that, but how the heck did the techie nerds get invited to a frat party?)

(Or are frat parties just kind of those "all those who want to come can" type of things?)

(I have no life, people, help me out here.)

* * *

(… Is it sad to say that Leo is a better dancer than I am?)

(Yes it is.)

* * *

(Not only is she a Decepticon.)

(She is a Decepticon whore.)

(The worst kind of Decepticon there is!)

* * *

(Not only is 'Bee on the lawn, he is in the bushes.)

(… Oh, my gosh, I just realized out completely dirty that sounds….)

(Then again this is college, so I guess it's accurate.)

* * *

"There isn't a tighter shirt! We checked."

(The sad thing is he's telling the truth.)

* * *

(XD)

(The Jaws theme!)

(How right you are, Bumblebee.)

* * *

(Okay, not gonna lie, when her head hit 'Bee's dash, that crack sounded like it _**really **_hurt.)

(Ow!)

* * *

(And 'Bee just ruined his own interior!)

(Backlash.)

* * *

"I got wetnaps! I got wetnaps for your face!"

(Sammy… I think it's gonna take more than a few wetnaps for her to clean up.)

* * *

(How far away is this cemetery from the college?)

(I mean, it was night when 'Bee came to get Sam and now it looks like it's early morning.)

* * *

(Sam, there's a mausoleum!)

(There's a mausoleum right behind you, Sam!)

(Stay away from it!)

(Nothing good ever happens in a mausoleum.)

(Never.)

* * *

(And now the lighting makes it look like it's getting closer to noon.)

(Inconsistencies!)

(Says the girl who would watch this movie 24/7 365 days a year.)

(The giant alien robots more than make up for it.)

* * *

"Like what? Like Decepticons stole it?"

(No, Sam.)

(A moose.)

(**MOOSEN!**)

(Many much moosen!)

* * *

(I don't know about the rest of you guys, but if Optimus Prime came to me and were asking for my help, I would so totally do that.)

(After I woke up from fainting.)

(I have no idea if it would because of Optimus himself;)

(Or if because then Transformers would be real!)

* * *

"Your world must not share the same fate as Cybertron."

(And yet it feels like we're getting closer and closer to that every day.)

(These are the end times, my friends.)

* * *

"I wanna help you, I do, but I am not some alien ambassador, you know?"

(Which, ironically enough, is what Spike Witwicky became later on the G1 series right?)

* * *

"I'm a normal kid with normal problems."

(Says the kid who just a scene before was spazzing out and writing cyberglyphs on a table with cake frosting at a frat party.)

("Normal problems" my aft!)

* * *

(*sighs*)

(Optimus looks so disappointed.)

(And when he's disappointed I'm sad.)

(*pouts*)

* * *

"Sam, fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing."

(Did I steal this saying to use as Hunter's motto?)

(I can neither confirm nor deny that allegation.)

* * *

(See, one thing I love about Optimus is that he knows when he needs help and he's not afraid, ashamed, or embarrassed in the least bit to ask for it.)

(He's humble as well as proud.)

(Gentle as well as strong.)

(Wise as well as still learning.)

(How the pit can you _**not**_ love this guy on some level?)

* * *

(I still say the Megaladon mystery is Megatron!)

* * *

(This little spider-bot doctor is so creepy!)

(But I have to say I find it very cute how he wears "glasses".)

* * *

(*raises shard above Megatron's sparkchamber*)

(**CLEAR!**)

(*jams it down into sparkchamber*)

* * *

(Ah-ha!)

(So, there _**is**_ water on Mars!)

* * *

(Ugh!)

(The Giant Dorito of Doom….)

(For those of you out there who may not know, I hate weasels.)

(I hate them more than I hate the bad guys who are just all out evil and mercilessly kill hundreds of people in cold blood without any real reason.)

(I may hate guys like that, but at least I can respect them for standing their ground however wrong it may be.)

(Weasels are just lower than scum.)

(They're not even scum; they're the scum that lives on scum.)

(Pardon my rant.)

* * *

(Megatron, please do us all a huge favor.)

(Kill your worthless, scumbag, second in command now.)

(We would all love you for it.)

* * *

(For those of you who know my 'Transformers Diaries; Kindred Sparks' fanfiction;)

(This line the Fallen said right here is a major driving force behind the plot.)

(Don't like it?)

(Blame the Fallen.)

* * *

"Well, then let me strip the very flesh from his body."

(That sounds extremely painful.)

(And I just got a rather nice mental image for it.)

(Ew….)

* * *

"Only a Prime can defeat me. And now only one remains."

(Technically speaking, two remain.)

(Because the Fallen—even if he is the Fallen—is still a Prime by most rights.)

(So he could actually defeat himself.)

(So, like I said, technically there are two Primes.)

(There could be three including Megatron if you really want to get into "How Many Primes There Are" theories, but that's a debate I'll leave up to you guys.)

(Enjoy.)

* * *

(I don't like this teacher.)

(There's just something about him that sets off my "Stranger Danger" alarm.)

(And why are all the girls in the front looking at him like they're all about ready to have an orgasm just by him talking?)

* * *

"For what do we know about the stars?"

(We know that they're all fireflies!)

(Fireflies that got stuck up there in that… big… bluish-black thing.)

(According to Timon….)

* * *

"Virgo. The virgin."

(I get a feeling a lot of these girls are no longer in possession of the V-card.)

* * *

(How the hell does Sam not tear the pages of this book?!)

* * *

(Sam, you're talking like Blurr.)

(Except most people can actually understand what Blurr's saying whereas we have no idea what you're going on about.)

(At all.)

* * *

"I am the alpha and the omega."

(Oh, I'm sorry, you're God?)

(I don't think so.)

* * *

(This dude's just pissed because he got showed up.)

* * *

(I love Bones!)

(Mastiff or not he's so cute!)

(Even if he does slobber a lot.)

* * *

"What, you finally hit puberty?"

(Hey, he still beat Justin Beiber to it.)

(Credits for that, Sammy!)

* * *

(Am I the only one who busts a gut when Wheelie steps on the mousetrap?)

(Please tell me I'm not.)

(XDDDDDDDDD)

(I love it!)

* * *

(See, this is what I love about Mikaela.)

(She's not afraid to take a blowtorch to the optic of a 'con.)

* * *

(And I still have to wonder how nobody thinks it's weird that this motley crew of vehicles is driving so close together on the road, in almost a formation!)

(Seriously, people!)

(I would be looking into it!)

(Hard!)

* * *

(Not, gonna lie, I love this scene where Sam is just totally spazzing in the dorm room.)

(But I wonder how many takes of this thing they had to do.)

(I know I wouldn't have been able to get through it in just one!)

* * *

(This 'con must have spent her entire life cycle studying the carnal appetites of adolescent human males.)

(That'd be a sucky way to spend your life.)

* * *

(… Ouch….)

* * *

(Whoa!)

(Gene Simmons has a rival in the tongue field!)

* * *

(Dear Primus, Sam still screams like a little girl!)

* * *

(Contrary to what some of you may believe:)

(Alice did not in any way inspire the Hybrid race.)

(Not in any way.)

* * *

"You're such a little girl!"

(Mikaela,)

(That is an insult to little girls everywhere.)

* * *

(Ugh!)

(Primus, Leo!)

(I hate you—shut the frag up!)

* * *

"I'm Leonardo Ponce De Leon Spitz."

(Wow.)

(That's… that's quite a name, Leo.)

* * *

"The aliens, they want me because of my site!"

(Yeah.)

(That's why Decepticon girl went after Sam and not you.)

* * *

(Oh!)

(All those cool old books just… gone!)

(It's just a shame!)

* * *

(Oooooh!)

(She's down!)

* * *

(Aren't airbags just a simply amazing piece of technology?)

* * *

(Ow!)

(I felt that one!)

* * *

(Oh, this part makes me sick every time.)

(Blech!)

* * *

(Sam, shut up!)

(Your blathering is only going to make him want to kill you more!)

* * *

(Great timing, Prime!)

* * *

(Fire fight!)

(Run, away, humans!)

(Run away!)

* * *

(He gets to ride inside Optimus!)

(So. Freaking. **JEALOUS RIGHT NOW!**)

* * *

(…)

(*cocks head*)

(Megatron's head makes the coolest sound when you punch it.)

(I'm not the only one who thinks that right?)

* * *

"Junkyard crap!"

(*gasps*)

(Oh, no he di'n't!)

(OCs: Oh, yes he di-id!)

* * *

(Damn it, Prime!)

(You have such freakin' awesome moves!)

* * *

(Why did Optimus not just rip Starscream's head off when he had him the headlock?)

(Why?!)

* * *

(And there goes the battle-mask….)

(*rubs jaw and cheek*)

(Ow…)

* * *

(*screams along with Sam*)

(**OPTIMUS!**)

* * *

(*already starts crying as all the 'cons team up on Prime*)

(I know it's coming.)

(I know it's coming!)

(I always know it's coming and it still always makes me cry!)

(*grabs Optimus pillow and sobs into it but somehow continues typing*)

* * *

"I'll take you all on!"

(Single most epic line in any Transformers continuation.)

(I don't care who you are.)

(That is epicness at its finest right there.)

* * *

(I just realized something.)

(Optimus cuts off Starscream's arm in this movie.)

(And in Transformers Prime, he shoots 'Screamy's arm off.)

(**CONNECTION!**)

* * *

(And here we get our first glimpse of Optimus' face fetish….)

(In all honesty, I really don't believe Optimus has a face fetish.)

(But it is still a very funny joke.)

* * *

(**OPTIMUS!**)

(*grabs at chest*)

(It hurts…!)

(*starts crying even harder*)

(No….)

* * *

(Fuck you, Megatron!)

(Fuck! You!)

(I'll kill you myself, you son of a bitch!)

(**I'LL KILL YOU!**)

* * *

"I'm not impressed with your perverted mouth-breathing."

(*facepalm*)

(Only Judy Witwicky could say that to a Decepticon.)

(And _**live**_.)

* * *

(*gasps*)

(He just tossed the American flag on the ground!)

(**THAT 'CON JUST TOSSED THE AMERICAN FLAG ON THE GROUND!**)

(*goes into conniption* **THE HIPPOS HAVE PINK PARACHUTES!**)

* * *

(Okay, can somebody please tell me where the heck 'Bee and the twins take Sam, Mikaela and Leo?)

(Because I honestly have no clue.)

(Is it still somewhere in New York?)

* * *

(*gulps*)

(That is a lot of 'cons….)

* * *

(Creepy mime!)

(Stranger danger!)

(Stranger danger!)

* * *

(Blech!)

(Snails!)

* * *

*spits out escargot* "It's nasty."

(Really?)

(What a shock.)

* * *

(Oh, great!)

(And now the 'cons are killing a whole bunch of American soldiers!)

(*rolls up sleeves*)

(Okay! Let me at 'em!)

* * *

(Leo!)

(I swear, if you don't shut up in the next three seconds, the 'cons will be the last thing you have to worry about!)

(Primus, you're worse than Sam!)

* * *

(*sobs*)

(Oh, Prime….)

* * *

(No.)

(No!)

(Get off 'em!)

* * *

(Galloway, do us all a huge favor.)

(Get a zipper piercing on your lips, zip it shut, and weld it.)

(Nobody is in the mood for your little petty-ass shit today!)

* * *

(You know what?)

(Go rot in Hell, Galloway!)

* * *

(I still don't get it.)

(The 'cons have come to Earth and are killing thousands of people.)

(The U.S. government wants to lockdown N.E.S.T. and prevent them from fighting.)

(Wasn't this team created specifically for this purpose?)

(They're trained in this type of warfare.)

(This is their specialty!)

(And we wanna take them out of the field and throw in the people who have basically next to no idea about how to take down Decepticons?)

(Oh, yeah, this is a brilliant plan.)

* * *

(Yeah.)

(Because diplomatic solutions always work.)

(Especially with evil, hostile alien robots from another planet that possess advanced weaponry.)

* * *

(Oh-ho, no.)

(No!)

(He did not just call Optimus a "pile of scrap metal"!)

(Let me at 'im!)

(I'll make him swallow his damn teeth!)

* * *

"I really don't like that dude. He's an asshole."

(I concur most heartily, Epps.)

* * *

(When the heck did that tattoo appear?)

(Did I miss that scene?)

* * *

"No we don't really do much reading."

(Why am I not surprised?)

* * *

(Nice hat, Sam.)

* * *

(Ugh…)

(This guy….)

* * *

"No, my mama lives with me—it's a big difference."

(Keep tellin' yourself that, Simmons.)

* * *

"… that I was obsessed."

(Gee.)

(Wonder how they got that impression.)

* * *

(Okay.)

(If I didn't want to go to the Smithsonian before, I most definitely want to now!)

* * *

(Simmons in a thong.)

(I really did not need that image.)

(I am not sleeping tonight….)

* * *

(I don't need to see Leo walking around with his pants and underwear down to his ankles either.)

* * *

(Ha!)

(But seeing Leo get tazzed makes up for it all!)

* * *

(I gotta say, I love Jetfire.)

(In all his old, senile, kooky, grandpa-esque glory.)

* * *

(The question is, is the museum going to be more angry about the damage Jetfire caused;)

(All the guards you tazed;)

(Or the fact that Leo was walking around without his pants on?)

(My bet is on the third option.)

* * *

(A dog humping my leg is one thing.)

(A pervy little 'con humping my leg?)

(That's another situation entirely.)

* * *

(Okay, guys, I'm sorry.)

(I love 'Bee, you all know I do.)

(But to see him, flying through the air and flailing around…)

(*bursts out laughing*)

* * *

(Yeah, Leo.)

(You're in Vegas.)

* * *

"Do you have any idea what it's like to slowly fall apart and die?!"

(No.)

(But it sounds sucky.)

* * *

"And his name forever more was 'The Fallen'."

(What you don't know is that before he was named 'The Fallen' his name was 'Bill'.)

* * *

"Is he alive? Here? On this planet?"

(Yeah, he's here on the planet.)

(As for if he's alive or not.)

(*glares at Sam*)

(You just had to touch the Cube sliver, didn't you?)

* * *

**CAMELS!**

* * *

"First thing we gotta do is get Optimus to the Dagger's Tip."

"How you gonna get him halfway around the world."

"I'm gonna make a call."

(Samuel James Witwicky.)

(He has friends in high places.)

* * *

"I can't go to prison, guys!"

(Yeah.)

(Especially an Egyptian prison.)

* * *

(Stealth.)

('Bee, Skids, Mudflap, you're doing it wrong.)

* * *

**DONKEY!**

* * *

"These are my people. I'm 1/36th Arab."

(Oh, well then we're all good.)

(*rolls eyes*)

* * *

(And right now, 'Bee's like:)

("Get your grubby finger off me. Get it off. Get it off. Get it off. Get it off!)

* * *

"Undercover, yo, ya gotta blend in with your surroundings."

(Says the lime green, giant alien robot.)

* * *

"Who else could be your girlfriend Sam?"

(Uh, apparently just you and Carly.)

(And Carly did squat.)

(Team Mikaela all the way!)

* * *

(Aww, Simmons and Leo sleeping together.)

(Ya know, they almost could be father and son.)

(They're both neurotic.)

(They're both annoying.)

(And I'm not 100% convinced neither one of them has Tourette's.)

* * *

(XDDD)

(I'm not the only one who enjoys seeing Galloway freak out, right?)

* * *

"I've never jumped out of a perfectly good airplane before."

(Why am I not surprised?)

* * *

"You just signed a death warrant on your career, Mister!"

(If you do anything to get Lennox or any one of the other guys a dishonorable discharge Galloway, I will personally see to it that you're put six feet under.)

(The Autobots might have taken oaths to never harm humans, but I haven't!)

* * *

"Why aren't you wearing your chute?"

"Because I have to secure the VIPs first!"

(Lennox, dude, I love you man!)

(XD)

* * *

(XDDDDDDDDDDDDDD)

(I love that scene!)

(Just—WHOOSH!—and Galloway's gone!)

(I wonder if he got whiplash from that.)

* * *

"He say good-bye?"

"No, he didn't even good-bye."

(Because he's a major asshole.)

* * *

"Real life is heartbreak, despair, kid. Sometimes you get to the end of the rainbow and the leprechauns went and booby-trapped it!"

(The thing that hurts the most about what Simmons says is that it's true.)

(Painfully, painfully, painfully true.)

* * *

"I'm ugly? Well, we're twins, ya stupid genius."

(*sits in quiet contemplation for a moment*)

(I fail to see how someone can be a "stupid genius".)

* * *

(*claps*)

(Yay, 'Bee!)

(Bumblebee: 1!)

(Twins: 0!)

* * *

(Now I don't know about you guys, but if I found giant, alien robot corpses behind my wall I would freak out from the sheer epicness of it.)

(A human corpse in my wall?)

(I would freak out from the creepiness and probably go and puke.)

(But that's just me.)

* * *

(The Matrix of Leadership…)

(… it's so _**shiny**_!)

(Aaaand it just disintegrated.)

(Way to go, Sam!)

* * *

(And now the Matrix dust is gonna get all damp and soggy with foot sweat from Sam's dirty, grungy, sweaty sock.)

(He puts that inside Optimus' spark-chamber later!)

(Unhygienic!)

* * *

(…)

(That is the first time ever I've noticed the goat in that background as it jumps down from the wall.)

(Huh….)

* * *

(Can somebody _**please**_ tell me who this British N.E.S.T. guy is?)

('Cuz he's actually not that bad looking.)

* * *

(Starscream, I think I speak for almost everyone when I say this.)

(*clears throat*)

(We all hate you.)

(Go die in a hole.)

(We never want to see your ugly-aft mug again.)

* * *

(XDDDDDDD)

(Leo looks like he's about ready to piss his pants!)

(*busts a gut*)

* * *

(Never thought I'd say this, but, thank you, Simmons!)

* * *

"One man alone…"

(Okay, he is not alone.)

(Even if Leo wasn't there he would not be alone.)

(Simmons is with Skids and Mudflap.)

(And I know that they are total, brainless morons, but they are still somebodies, so Simmons is not alone!)

* * *

"You tased me!"

(Yes, he did and it was freakin' hilarious!)

* * *

"I'm in the middle of nowhere surrounded by donkeys!"

(I would make a joke hear about how Galloway has finally found his family…)

(… but that'd just be an insult to donkeys everywhere.)

(And I like donkeys.)

(They're so cute with their long, fuzzy ears and switch-broom tails and velvety noses!)

(Okay, I'm done rambling, now.)

(Continue.)

* * *

(Okay, I just gotta say this; I'm not a distance runner.)

(I don't like running all that much anyway, but distances kill me.)

(I died running the 400 in track my freshman year.)

(That said, if I was in a situation that Sam and Mikaela were in right now, I would be more than happy to run that distance.)

(Anything to bring my favorite 'bot back to life, people!)

(ANYTHING.)

* * *

"One man alone…"

"Stop saying that."

(I'm wil Leo on this one.)

(Simmons, please, for the love of God, stop saying that!)

* * *

(I don't know about ya'll, but I would find it very hard to relax with Simmons around.)

* * *

"Master, sorry to be the bearer of bad news…"

(Yet Starscream as no trouble being the bearer of bad fortune to his master.)

(Something doesn't add up.)

* * *

(Chickens!)

(Start throwing chickens at the 'cons!)

(That'll distract 'em!)

* * *

"We're about to get our asses whupped."

(More like "crushed", Epps.)

* * *

(Holy crap, this thing is ugly!)

* * *

(It's a good thing this house doesn't have actual windows.)

(Or else these two would be so screwed.)

* * *

(If only bugs were actually that easy to kill.)

* * *

(Oh, my gosh.)

(If I saw a guy this big coming at me, I would totally freak out.)

(And not in the good way either.)

(He is scary!)

* * *

(Okay, I gotta admit, Skids and Mudflap were pretty epic in this scene.)

(Props, fellas.)

* * *

(Yes, Judy, whack the 'con with your purse.)

(That'll really make a difference.)

(Yup.)

* * *

(Go, Bumblebee!)

(Rock it!)

(**WHOO-HOO!**)

* * *

"I don't know what's goin' on!"

(A lot of bad slag, Ron.)

* * *

"You're crazy!"

(Yes, but that goes without say, Leo.)

* * *

(…)

(Okay, so was the Chromia that just got hit?)

* * *

(Damn!)

(That is going to be a looong climb, Simmons.)

* * *

(Yeah, don't talk to Simmons about classified.)

(He knows classified.)

* * *

(Sam! Mikaela!)

(**RUN!**)

* * *

(Nice landing, Jetfire.)

* * *

(And Scorponok finally appears!)

* * *

"I am directly below the enemy's scrotum."

(Once again, I grew up with a dirty class.)

(And even I don't find that funny.)

* * *

"It wasn't my best toss, okay?"

(Thank you, Sergeant Obvious.)

* * *

(Lots of fireworks!)

(Whoo-hoo!)

* * *

(The first time I saw this scene, I cried.)

(Not because Sam died, but because I was like "Who's gonna save Optimus now?!")

(That and plus 'Bee looked devastated.)

* * *

(Bulkhead's voice!)

(Bulkhead was a Prime!)

* * *

(Best part of the whole movie right here!)

(BEST. FREAKIN'. PART!)

* * *

(Yay.)

(The Fallen.)

(I hate this guy!)

* * *

(Holy frag he looks epic all tricked out like this!)

* * *

(Two against one hardly seems fair.)

(But since when to Decepticons play fair?)

* * *

(Yup, scream for your weasely second in command, Megatron.)

(Like the little wussy sparkling you are way deep down inside.)

* * *

(And once again, I get a happy, satisfied feeling at the very end.)

* * *

"Thank you, Sam, for saving my life."

(Technically, Boss 'bot, he didn't save your life, he brought it back to you.)

(There's a difference there.)

* * *

"Our races united by a history long forgotten and a future we shall face together."

(Yeah.)

(Until Age of Extinction.)

* * *

(This is probably my favorite Linkin Park song _**ever**_!)

(Don't know why, but it is.)

(It is my dream to have this song blaring over my radio as I go barreling down the road in my Trans Am, windows rolled down, pretending like I'm in a Transformers music video.)

* * *

"So glad you could join us, Professor Einstein."

"Yeah, I was kinda busy."

(That's the understatement of the century!)

* * *

And that's the end my friends! So glad you could join me for the second installment of The Chuck Commentary, though I'm sure none of you are all that glad you were here for this. XDD I'm out! *turns and runs off towards Autobots, jumping inside 'Bee's cab* You can say it now, Prime.

Optimus: Autobots, transform and roll out!

*all drive off into the sunset as Linkin Park 'New Divide' plays*


End file.
